She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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