My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
