I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
