So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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