I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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