Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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