He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
