im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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