Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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