if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
