she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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