A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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