My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
