Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
