I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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