Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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