I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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