I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize