need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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