finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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