bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
