my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
