Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Drunk is not a location!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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