Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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