sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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