fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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