No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
