and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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