If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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