im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
