guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
