And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
