party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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