Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
