She is in my trunk
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
