my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
