the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
