Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
