My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
