I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
