Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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