tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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