when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
