Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
