I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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