I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
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