It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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