I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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