I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
