So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
