i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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